


Why Do We Live This Way?

by Im_A_Sucker_For_Smut



Series: Casual Love [11]
Category: The Night Shift (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drew is so sad, Healing, I love him, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Ranger School, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2019-10-28 18:21:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17792390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Im_A_Sucker_For_Smut/pseuds/Im_A_Sucker_For_Smut
Summary: Going to Ranger school had always been Drew’s dream. The only real thing he’d ever wanted to accomplish in life.He’d never thought he’d fail.





	1. Things Aren't Always Good

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really depressed and this is my depression fic. I've had the idea for this for a brick and I finally wrote it and it just spiraled into Drew wanting to kill himself and honestly? mood.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drew couldn't handle it all. Everything was too much at one time. He needed space, and that was the last thing he was getting from Rick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed a few things around and it only gets more angsty from here.

\-------

Pulling into his driveway, Drew sighs with relief. Rick’s truck wasn’t there. 

That meant he had the house to himself. At least for a few hours.

Slamming the door shut behind him, Drew sinks into his couch, head pressing against his hands. He could barely go an entire shift without feeling the urge to-

He wasn’t going to go there.

How did his life end up like this?

\-------

It all started after he came back from Ranger school. He didn’t want everyone to know about it, but it spread around anyway.

That he had failed.

He thought he would be able to handle the disappointment. He sat straight faced as they told him, and he wasn’t angry. Or sad. 

He was just numb. 

What was supposed to be his biggest accomplishment had turned into the thing he wanted to talk least about in the world. 

But it didn’t bother him. 

He wouldn’t let it.

He was bigger than this. Stronger than this. He wouldn’t let his emotions rule him. He could keep himself in check. 

Or so he thought.

\-------

After returning home, everyone felt like he was fragile. There was no talk of Rangers, and barely any of the Army at all. It was like he couldn’t handle it.

He heard the way people whispered. Saw the way the stopped when they noticed him. Practically felt the tension in rooms multiply when he walked in. Even around the people who were supposed to be his friends. 

Especially around them. 

Because they knew how much this had meant to him. How he had dreamt of being a Ranger ever since he had decided to join the Army. They had encouraged him, guaranteed him that he would become a Ranger.

Hell, he had almost convinced himself. 

But it hadn’t happened. The feeling of shame washed over him every day he bumped into Kenny, or had to work on a patient with TC. It was inescapable.

But it was nothing in comparison to sharing the house with Rick.

\-------

Drew loved Rick. He had never felt such affection for another being.

But Rick was really starting to piss Drew off.

All the gushy “I’m still proud of you”s and “You can always retake it”s were getting under Drew’s skin. He could barely walk around the house without something reminding him of what he had lost out on.

And the food.

Rick had felt the need to pack Drew food for work. The gesture was sweet, but the notes Rick packed…

They just reopening old wounds. Almost literally.

Everything about Rick reminded Drew of his failure. Of how he wasn’t good enough.

A guy with one leg could beat him. 

Drew knew that he shouldn’t look at it that way, but that’s all he could think about. Rick had always been the more physically capable of the two, mainly because he enjoyed it more. But ever since failing out of Ranger school, all Drew could think about was how his crippled husband could still succeed where Drew himself had failed. How perfect Rick was. How nothing ever bothered him, how he could keep himself composed in any situation.

How much better he was than Drew.

It made him seethe. And he hated it.

\-------

“Drew? You ok?” 

Rick’s voice brought Drew to reality, Drew barely stifling his groan. He didn’t know how long he had been sitting there, but it only felt like a few fleeting moments.

He didn’t want to feel this way, especially towards the man he loved the most. But he just couldn’t handle Rick right now.

“Yeah. Fine.” Drew’s responses were measured, as he stood to retreat to somewhere, anywhere where Rick wasn’t.

But Rick caught his arm. And pulled him back to face him.

“What is up with you?”

“Nothing.”

“Obviously it’s something.”

“I said it’s nothing.” Drew shakes Rick off, leaving for their bedroom.

But Rick follows, adamant about continuing the conversation. Why did he have to be so persistent? Couldn’t he see how much it was breaking Drew? He just wanted everything to go away, for it all to end.

“Will you stop being such a baby and tell me what’s wrong?”

“Oh stop being such a baby huh? Fitting, because I can’t seem to do anything right, can I?”

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

“Then what do you mean, Rick? What is even going on here? Why are we even together? Because I’m obviously too incompetent to be with someone as perfect as you. So why I am even still here?”

“Would you just fucking stop?”

“You asked me what’s wrong, and now I’m telling you, and you want me stop? What the fuck do you want then?”

“For you to stop wallowing in self pity?” Rick brings his hands to brush against Drew’s cheeks, sighing as he flinched. He hadn’t even touched Drew since before he left for Ranger school, and that had been weeks ago. He missed the sensation. He missed his husband, missed his goofy sense of humor, and his insatiable urge to cuddle and his smile and his kisses and probably a million other things. 

But he missed Drew’s happiness the most.

“I’m a fucking failure Rick.”

“Shut up. You are not. No one thinks of you like that.”

“I do!”

Drew hadn’t meant to raise his voice. But it felt good now that he did. And he couldn’t stop once he got started. It was his only source of relief after all this time.

“Everyone keeps acting like everything is ok! Like nothing’s changed! I see the way they talk about me when they don’t know I’m there! I’ve heard what they say!”

“Drew-”

“And you! You keep walking around on eggshells, like we can’t talk about it! Every time I bring it up it’s the same. ‘I’m so proud of you Drew, it doesn’t matter Drew, forget about it Drew’ well I can’t just forget about it! It’s not like your leg!”

He regretted the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. But it was already too late.

“Oh, so it always comes back to the leg, right?”

“Wait Rick I didn’t mean-”

“Of course you didn’t. You never seem to mean anything you say.”

And with that, Rick left.

\-------

Drew hadn’t seen Rick in a week, but not for lack of trying. Rick had only came home when he knew Drew was at work, to shower and grab clothes. 

And Drew missed him. 

All his attempts to make Drew feel better. His off key love songs and small gifts, hidden in the strangest places, hell, he even missed the home cooked meals that Rick packed him for work. He missed it all.

And he wished he was better. Better at showing his love, better at appreciating his blessings while he still could.

Better at loving his perfect husband.

Better at controlling his jealousy.

Because that’s all it was. Drew was jealous. Everyone else seemed so much more in control of themselves. Especially Rick. Nothing ever got to him. Drew was just the opposite. Everything got to him, no matter how small and insignificant.

He didn’t want to be this sensitive. This emotionally incompetent. This bad at love. 

He just wanted Rick back home.

\-------

Drew was crying when Rick came back. Not earth shaking sobs, or hiccups loud enough for the neighbors to hear.

Silent tears, streaking down his face so fast and raw that they could’ve given the Rio Grande a run for its money.

Drew was so caught up in his misery that he didn’t know Rick was there until he felt lips press against the back of his head, wiping away tears as Rick’s weight shifted the mattress underneath them. Drew laid his head into Rick’s lap, letting his emotions send him back into crying as Rick rubbed his back.

“You know you can’t live like this Drew. It isn’t healthy for you to push everyone away.”

“No one wants to be burdened with me. It’d be better if I just-”

“Don’t. Don’t you dare _ever_ fucking say that.” Rick’s voice was barely above a growl, startling Drew enough for him to stop crying. He sits up, staring up at Rick.

“Why shouldn’t I? It’s not like I do anything right anyway. I can’t even do my own damn relationship right.”

“Do you love me?”

“Of course”

“Then you’re doing it right.”

Drew was so angry, so sad, so fucking incapable of providing Rick with the love he deserved.

“Drew, please don’t do this to yourself. You are perfect the way you are. I love you the way you are.” Rick picks up Drew’s hands, kissing each knuckle as the other man watches blankly. 

Rick had never seen Drew like this. It was as if he was empty. His eyes glossed over as if there was nothing behind them. And it scared Rick. He knew Drew struggled with his image, and how people perceived him. He also had a hard time reigning in his emotions.

Rick was the opposite. He always felt like he didn’t let Drew know how much he loved him. After losing his leg, Rick had refused to let his emotions dictate his life. He locked them away, refusing to ever deal with them. And he felt as if his relationship was struggling as a result. But he didn’t want to ever feel that hurt again.

Unfortunately, it seemed that Drew wanted to take him back down that road.

“Drew. Look at me.”

Drew’s eyes slowly drifted from their interlocked fingers to Rick’s face.

“I love you more than I could ever express. I never thought I would feel this way about another person. Waking up every day, knowing that I get to be with you for the rest of our lives, living in this house, raising a family, all of it. I want all of it. But I want all of it with _you_. I don’t want it if I can’t be with you. You’re ingrained in every fiber of my being, and I have never felt so strongly about anything, least of all another person. Yet you coming into my life was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. You make me feel more loved than I knew was possible, you are quite literally the light of my life. You make me feel, Drew. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”

As he talked, Rick could see the feeling returning to Drew. His shoulders dropped, his eyes cleared, and his lips trembled. Rick laid down, pulling Drew into his arms as he started to cry again.

“I love you so fucking much. And I’m sorry about what I said about your leg. I didn’t mean it. I’m just a fuck up.” Drew could barely get his words out around the tears, hiccups breaking up the sentences. But the meaning stuck.

“I love you too. Which is why I can’t let you do this to yourself. I know you don’t feel worthy. You feel broken, as if everyone is doing so much better than you, right?”

Drew nods slightly before burrowing deeper into Rick’s chest.

“Do you really think I don’t know what you’re going through? When I have this thing?” Rick pulls off his prosthetic, shaking it a little before placing it on the floor.

Drew’s answer gets muffled by Rick’s shirt, but he seems to know what it was anyways.

“It is the same. Or at least, similar. I felt like a failure, like I had no control over my life. Like I was missing something. But everything I needed was right here. I was just too hurt to see it.” Rick’s lips find their way onto Drew’s cheek, tasting the salt soaked tears as they stain his shirt.

“You don’t have to go through this alone. You won’t feel like a fuck up forever. And even if you make mistakes, I’m not going anywhere. You won’t stay stuck in it. You’ll make it out. You always do.”


	2. They Get Worse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Too many things were happening. Drew couldn't handle all the stimuli. He needed space, and no one seemed to get that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just keep deteriorating but hopefully I'll get better. 
> 
> Hopefully so will Drew.

\-------

Rick came home to the shower on. 

It was strange. 

Drew usually didn't shower at this time. He hadn't even been taking the initiative to shower himself. Rick had been forcing him to shower. He had barely been able to get out of bed for about a week and a half. Rick had to call his job, explain what was going on, so he didn't get fired.

Removing his jacket and stepping out of shoes, Rick walks up the stairs into their bedroom.

It's completely filled with steam.

The dread that Rick couldn't shake since he stepped in the doorway hit him like a brick.

There was no reason Drew would be in the shower for long enough that their room would be hazy with steam. He didn't even like hot showers. 

Which meant he wasn't showering.

His breath catching, Rick frantically tries to turn the knob of the bathroom door, almost sobbing when it opens.

“Drew?” His voice barely above a whisper, Rick steps into the bathroom to find his husband, the man he loved more than anything, lying lifeless on the floor.

And he broke.

\-------

“Where am I?”

Drew's voice reverberated against the stark white walls that surrounded him.

“A safe place, Drew.” A woman's voice reached his ears, yet he couldn't quite place where it was coming from. But he felt it.

Safety. 

Peace.

Finally, he could take a break, and just escape from everything, all the earthly sensations that threatened to push him over the edge.

“Why am I here?” It wasn't a question asked out of anger, but mere curiosity.

“Why don't you tell me what you last remember?”

“I remember… Rick getting up for work. He kissed me, gently because he thought I was still sleeping. 

He left early in the morning. He wants to give me space to heal, he knows what it's like to feel smothered.

I remember…” And here, Drew paused. The room started to move out of focus, as if a fog was settling over it.

“What do you remember, Drew?” 

“I wanted him to stay.” Drew's voice carried through the room, although he barely spoke.

“When he left, I felt hopeless. I always did, but this time was different.”

“And why was that Drew?”

“He left the door open. He always closed it when he left, so that his noise wouldn't wake me. He didn't-”

 _“He didn't care.”_ Drew's voice wavered as he said the words out loud, the subtle action that had drove him into the bathroom.

“And what did you do next?” 

“After he left, I sat in bed for a long time. I...I didn't know if I could build up the nerve to do it.

But the longer I sat there, the more I just couldn't bear the thought of staying on this Earth. I couldn't keep bringing everyone down with me. Especially Rick. I know I'm hurting him. I see the tear stains he leaves on his pillowcases. He deserves better.

So I went to the kitchen. And got a knife. And sat in the bathtub. I didn't want to leave too much of a mess. 

And then I began to cut myself.”

Drew sighed, feeling the room shake as he took a breath. He didn't want to go on, but he knew he had to.

“The first cut was the hardest. I had never forced a blade into my skin before. But it was almost...addicting. The more I did it, the easier it got. Until I couldn't even recognize my own body anymore.”

“Is that all you remember?”

“The last thing I remember is watching the bathroom door open. I saw Rick walk in. I- I didn't want him to find me like this. But I didn't know any other way.”

“And how do you feel about it now?” 

The room was quiet for a moment, save for the quiet sobs pouring from Drew's soul.

“I didn't want to hurt him. I wanted him to be in a better place. I wanted to be in a better place. I-”

“Do you think you made the right choice, Drew?” 

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I saw the way Rick crumbled when he saw me.”

“The only way you can go back is if you will not end up back here. Do you promise me that?”

“Yes ma'am.”

“Then go back to your family, Andrew Allister. Love them the way they love you. Stay with them. They'll need you the same way you need them now. Don't give up. You are much stronger than you could ever imagine.”

“Thank you” Choking on his words, Drew closes his eyes. 

He was getting a second chance. He wouldn't mess up again.


	3. Until We Find Ourselves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Although Drew was alive, it was like a piece of his soul died when his heart stopped. Finding it was going to be harder than he imagined.
> 
> \-------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally, we have the conclusion. This fic personally speaks to a lot of the issues I have or am current;y facing, and I just want y'all to know that there is always someone that cares about you, someone that would miss you were something to happen. You may not think about all the ordinary interactions you have, but there are people who think about you in their off time and want you to genuinely be happy. And this note may seem unnecessarily long and pointless and dumb, but I promise you it gets better, and you may have off days but everyone does. It's a part of life and it may not be fun, but it shows that you are alive. You're breathing, and that means you're doing something right.
> 
> You are not alone.

\-------

Waking up in a hospital is never a good feeling.

Especially when you work there.

Drew hadn’t pictured what would happen if he didn’t die. He didn’t picture the concern from his friends, his family, even people he barely knew came to check on him. 

And yet, he couldn’t feel it. 

The warmth that comes with knowing people cared about you, it wasn’t there. Instead, it was empty. Like someone had removed a strand from the fabric that made him up, replacing it with thick white cloth that somehow worked its way into every part of him. It was clean, unblemished, pure. It had nothing attached to it, and refused to form bonds to anything else. It was alone, cast starkly against the rainbow that had filled Drew’s soul previously.

It had set itself apart inside of Drew, and he didn’t know how to fix it.

How to stain it with color, to force it to coordinate with the rest of him.

He didn’t need it to match. He just wanted it to fit in.

\-------

Drew had no direction. He wasn’t allowed back at work until he was cleared by a therapist, and he wasn’t even allowed to leave the hospital until he had talked about what truly was bothering him. 

So he did.

He told them everything. How he was jealous of Rick, because he seemed so perfect. How he was able to move on so quickly from his amputation. How it had hurt him so badly when Rick left him. How he had been afraid to come out, and how he was still afraid. How he felt alone, because his parents had abandoned him. How Drew felt the need to be perfect, to try to earn their love again.

How he just wanted to be loved for who he was, instead of the front he had put up to fool people.

He didn’t know how much he needed someone to just listen to him until he actually had someone. 

The psychologist was probably the best thing for him, although he would have never reached that conclusion on his own.

Just talking about it felt better. Hearing suggestions from another person, someone telling you that you are worthy of love, that there are people that love you, and that your family not seeing your merits is not your fault. That he could raise his kids differently, in a household full of love and acceptance and that he had a husband willing to do all that and more for him. That he had an entire support system, willing to give their all to help build him up again.

He was grateful. And he was lucky. Not everyone who comes out has such an accepting community. 

He never knew how much it meant to him until he realized he could lose it.

\-------

Drew drove himself home from the hospital. Rick was working when he had been discharged, and they hadn’t really seen each other since before Drew had been admitted. 

Rick was giving Drew, and more importantly himself, space.

Dreww could see it, and he wasn’t upset. Nor was he surprised. Something like this would obviously hurt and upset Rick, and he would need some time to recuperate. 

It was traumatizing. Drew just hoped he hadn’t pushed Rick out of his life for good.

\-------

“Oh, hey.” Rick’s surprise was evident as he walked through the door to his spouse. 

“Hey.” Drew looks at him, then sighs.

“Sit down. We need to talk.”

Rick places his bag down next to the couch, and takes a seat opposite Drew.

“I wanted to apologize. What I did wasn’t fair to you, Rick, I just-” Drew pinches the bridge of his nose, taking a few deep breaths.

“Take your time.”

“I realized that I had a lot of unresolved family issues, and not only was I taking them out on you, I was deflecting them and using them to justify my behavior. I still have a lot to work through, and it won’t be easy, or fun, and I have a lot of bad days to get through before I get to the good ones, but I-I don’t want you to leave me.” Drew was shaking, barely holding it together.

“And I don’t want you to feel pressured to stay with me. It is your choice, and about what’s best for you. That’s what I didn’t, what I couldn’t, see before. I didn’t understand why you were leaving me, when all I did was love and support you. But the hospital psychologist, along with my support group, helped me to understand that sometimes people have to leave, to do what’s best for them. It has nothing to do with others, and it’s never an easy decision. It’s always a last resort, something used when someone can’t take anymore. To help them heal from whatever had hurt them so badly that they had to get away.”

“Or risk becoming like me.” The last sentence was uttered so low that it almost didn;t make it past Drew’s lips. 

“I’m leaving.”

“What?” Hearing those words almost pushed Drew over the edge, until he saw Rick’s smirk.

“Yeah, I wanted to pick up some groceries…”

“You are such a fucking idiot, you know that? I give you this whole big speech and you want to make it a fucking joke?” Throwing a pillow at his laughing husband. Drew felt color bleeding, slowly, onto that undyed piece that had permeated him, that had strung him up and out to dry. He wasn’t alone, and he could never be. He was too bright, too colorful to burn out.


End file.
